I LOVE C.R.A.N.K. Mob (and how I deal with it)

CRANK Mob is Saturday, and since I heard that Santa Cruz has discovered the CRANK Mob, I knew it was time I shared my CRANK Mob recovery regimen. CRANK Mob is a million mile ride through haunted urban forest full of goblins, gremlins, glitter monsters, and Republican’ts. You’re going to need at least a nap afterward.For CRANK Mob I schedule 4 hours for preparation, and I plan to spend my whole Sunday to recovering. Typically, the day after CRANK Mob I go through this process:

1) Wake up. Assess where I am. Am I indoors or outdoors? Am I in the Northern Hemisphere? So far I’ve been able to answer that last one affirmatively every time. Disappointing, I know . . . I look forward to the CRANK Mob where I come to in Rio with Gisele on my left and Iman on my right.

2) Assess my company. Is there anybody with me? Is it Franz? If Franz is present refrain from drooling. There will be time for this later.

3) Assess Franz. Does he need medical attention? Is he whining and complaining as usual? Does he need food or maybe more water in his bowl?

4) Assess my clothing. Do I have any? Is it ill fitting? Stylish? Appropriately masculine? If you look hot, resist the urge to drool.

5) Water, caffeine, pizza and ice cream.

About this point: CrANK Mob is an intense experience. In the old days participants used mayhem enhancing substances like J0OSE to sustain a better CRANK. The great Richie/JOOSE War of November 2007 led to a universal ban on JOoSE bought and paid for. Now any JOOSEing must be achieved with J0OSE acquired via a 5 finger discount.
Consequently CRANK Mobsters competing for the title of best FUNDERthighs are finding new and better ways to sustain a better CRANK. The famous Midnight Rida “MixteEmotions” pioneered the Brass Monkey as the new energy drink of Mobsters. Others have turned to more traditional but draining mixes of youthful energy, caffeine, and madness.

Regardless, you will need nutrients the day after CRaNk moB, srsly! Mostly you will be low on the key food groups: fat, candy, sugar (different from candy), and B vitamins. Sparks can fill almost all these needs but you may need to dissolve in some Skittles and an over the counter fat supplement like lard.

I take a more holistic approach. I find a healthful diet of organic Dr Pepper, Cheeze Pizza, Doritos, free range Cheetos, and burritos is highly effective. Ice cream sprinkled with chewable Flintstone vitamins makes a delectable desert.

After you’ve replenished your nutrients, you should move to the penultimate step of CRANk mob recovery:

6) Lay on the couch. Kick your roommate off his cushion to the other couch and take up the whole thing. Day time television and ICanHasCheezBurger.com make excellent supplemental activities to intense sloth-ifying. DO NOT DROOL.

After 6 or 7 hours of that kick out Franz and finish the recuperation process:

7) Rest your eyes. I suggest resting your eyes for a period of 9 or 10 hours, followed by a shower, and returning to resting your eyes. While resting your eyes you may even lose consciousness or snore. This is the appropriate time for drooling.

CarNK Mob this month promises to be better than any of the previous C Mobs, as is the custom of CRKNA MBO. This month the CRAzy Naptime Killas may have a sanctioned location for graffiti, the possibility of a gang war between rival gangs /B/ Serius and Fun Man Army, as well as the usual balloons, sidewalk chalk, infections, jump rope, fireworks, party fun, kissing booths, danse parties, LOLimals, and antics.

See you there!